Don't Believe the Hyper Market
Starring:
Chuck D as himself
Lisa Gifford as Miss Kolmekesi
Jamie as himself
Jasper the dog as himself
Nancy the rabbit as herself
Fiona Bruce as Hot Woman from space
Dr Dre as himself
[Interior of hypermarket Jamie stood manning the check out and Chuck D is price labelling tins of spam]
Chuck: Yo Jamie its nearly the end of shift, you do doing anything this weekend?
Jamie: No plans how about you?
Chuck: I'm gonna drop da bomb!
Jamie: On second thoughts I might be heading out of town.
[In walks Miss Kilmekesi with a suitcase handcuffed to arm]
Kilmekessi: Boys I'm heading to the bank with the days takings, Chuck I want you to out to the loading bay and help with the delivery of Orioles.
Chuck: You got it boss, it'll take more than a truck load of Orioles to hold me back.
[Chuck exits]
Kilmekessi: Now Jamie, one of our biggest customers Doctor Dre will be hear soon to collect his bulk order of wagon wheels. Whatever you do don't leave the checkout area.
Jamie: Don't worry Miss Kilmekessi I wont let you down.
Kilmekessi: Remember last week when you wandered off after finding that treasure map?
Jamie: That was a one off Miss Kilmekessi and on the bright side I did find that store of ice cream.
Kilmekessi: Jamie, just make sure you don't wander off. We need this business and if Doctor Dre doesn't get his wagon wheels we could have another East/West coast war at our branch.
Jamie: Yes, I remember the last time it kicked off between those rappers from Great Yarmouth and Aberystwyth.
Kilmekessi: Just remember, don't leave the till.
[Kilmekessi exits, leaving Jamie determined to man the till and not let her down]
[In runs Jasper the dog barking excitedly]
Jamie: Hello Jasper whats wrong?
Jasper: Woof.
Jamie: Whats that?
Jasper: Woof!
Jamie: Oh my, little Tinie has fallen down a well? This is an emergency I'd better make a phone call. [Pulls phone out of pocket and dials] Hello, Craid David? Tinie Temper has fallen down a well, can you cover his shift tomorrow? You can? Great! Panic averted Jasper you better head home now.
[Jasper leaves]
[Nancy the rabbit enters]
Nancy: Hi Jamie, do you have any frazzles?
Jamie: Third isle half way down on the left.
[Nancy hops down and hops back with a carton of frazzles]
Jamie: That's a lot of frazzles.
Nancy: I'm going to a "bring your own frazzles party" fancy knocking off early and joining me?
Jamie: Sorry I'm busy.
Nancy: But theres no one else hear...
Jamie: I know but I've got to hang about waiting for Doctor Dre to pick up his wagon wheels.
Nancy: Alright, stay if you must but lets not turn this into a reason to tweet passive aggressively about rabbits.
[Nancy exits]
Jamie: Damn, I've never been to a "bunny bring your own frazzles" party, the sacrifices I make for this job...
[In walks a woman wearing a 1970's style scifi costume]
Jamie: Hi can I interest you in our 2 for 1 offer on Britvic?
Hot Woman from space: Hello human I am looking for a male member of your species to take back to my home world and perform experiments of great pleasure on him.
Jamie: [To himself] This is getting ridiculous.
Hot Woman from space: Would you like to come back to my home planet human?
Jamie: I can't I've got to wait here for Doctor Dre to collect his wagon wheels or the whole of Doncaster could be devastated by a rapping war between Great Yarmouth and Aberystwyth. You'd best try and pick up one of the drunks in Berlins down the road...
[Hot Woman from space leaves]
[A few seconds go bye and back in runs Jasper barking hysterically]
Jamie: Whats that Jasper?
Jasper: Woof! Woof! Woof!
Jamie: Whats that? Some hooligans are vandalising my wheelie bin? I'll soon put a stop to that!
[Jamie and Jasper run out to rescue the wheelie bin leaving the Cash and Carry empty]
[A few seconds later in walks Doctor Dre, he looks around then turns to the camera]
Doctor Dre: Damn, looks like the forgot about Dre...
[Dre exits]
THE END
Amazing as it may seem readers some bureaucratic bod at the BBC decided "Don't Believe the Hyper Market" wasn't what the BBC were looking for. Sadly in this case the biggest loser of all is the Great British Television Viewer. It just goes to show how much greatness doesn't make it in front of the camera, hopefully my other projects such as Sherlock the Kitten, Rob Bob and Dog X-files (I want to retrieve) will have better luck.
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