Who will be the next Suarez?

Followers of Liverpool Football Club and football in general can't have failed to have noticed that finally after trying to eat another footballer during the World Cup Luis Suarez has moved on from Liverpool to Barcelona. In this blog I look at the leading candidates to replace Suarez at Anfield:


Wilfried Bony

Pro's

1. Has had a very good past two seasons proving he can score in two European leagues.
2. Was very good last year whilst playing for Swansea in the Europe.
3. Has a style that fits into our system.

Con's

1. Lack of experience on the big stage.
2. Often used recently as a target man and possibly not what Liverpool are looking for.

Grimlock

Pro's

1. As leader of the Dinobots he is used to leading teams from the front.
2. Can turn into a dinosaur and eat Fat Sam Allardyce.

Con's

1. Would be unwilling to play in a team of "puny humans."
2. Limited understanding of tactics and has yet to fully comprehend the offside rule.

Alf

Pro's

1. Having lived on earth he qualifies to play for Earth based teams under Uefa rules.
2. His large nose would continue the tradition of large snouted players who have gone on to become club legends.

Con's

1. Eats cats and would be a bigger PR nightmare than Suarez.
2. At 3'7 would possibly become intimidated by the match day mascots.

Matt Smith

Pro's

1. Is available after a high profile TV exit from Doctor Who.
2. Looks good in a suit, which after the Spice Boy 90's era is a good thing.
3. Has actually played at professional level.

Con's

1. If heavily injured he is likely to regenerate into Peter Capaldi who is shit at football.
2. Limited understanding of football believing it to be "the one with the sticks."
3. Due to the nature of his previous job he would have to start in injury time and play backwards to the start of the game.

Douglas Haig

Pro's

1. Has experience of leading campaigns into Europe.
2. Has never lost to the Germans or needed penalties to beat them.
3. He's Scottish and we've not had a good Scottish player in a while.

Con's

1. Will not submit to backroom staff dental examinations unless monitored by the Royal Army Dental Corps.
2. Is dead.
3. Did you not read the above point.

Louise Mensch

Pro's

1. Has experience of looking impressive whilst others do all the work so should get a few tap ins.
2. Able to add to dressing room camaraderie with endless anecdotes about Michael Heseltine and Theresa May.

Con's

1. As a Tory she would be a hard sell to the Anfield crowd.
2. If things don't go well she is likely to form a smaller, less successful version of Liverpool FC.

There we have it ladies and gentle readers, picking your next star striker is a lot harder than it looks. With every positive there is a negative and with the above six candidates we've only scratched the surface of the epic search Brendan Rodgers has ahead of him. All I can do is wish Brendan good luck and good hunting.