Who should replace Jeremy Clarkson on Top Gear?

I've had the bigwigs from the BBC on the line asking who should replace Clarkson and I've come up with the following shortlist:

Wallace

Wallace off of Wallace and Gromit would be a good call, he's getting on a bit and set in his ways which puts him in the same demographic as Clarkson. Also on the plus side he was an interest in technology and doesn't casually insult people. The only downside is the extreme engine emissions could cause him to melt.

Cathy Dennis

Top Gear after its recent controversies should be looking to play safe, how do you play safe? You appoint someone who everyone likes and if you don't like Cathy Dennis get the hell off my blog.

Katie Hopkins

Or you could go like for like, why not replace one untalented loud mouth with another?

Gregory House

Jeremy Clarkson may be an annoying ego maniac but even he can't compare with Gregory House. House would be an ideal replacement and the only down side is that his level of extreme banter could drive the Hamster and May to spend each episode of Top Gear locked in the toilet crying.

KittyKnits

@KittyKnits off of Twitter, yes she can't drive but she has made the following claims which I think would improve Top Gear;

Come on just imagine me on #TopGear driving through all the countries where there is injustice and fucking shit up BUT WITHOUT RACISM ETC

I'll be driving through Russia being all like, STOP BEING HOMOPHOBES and driving through Saudi Arabia shouting JUST YOU TRY TO STOP ME

If I got to present Top Gear, then instead of the bigotry I would just say 'vagina' frequently and make people uncomfortable that way

Well that sounds good to me!

If anything ladies and gentle readers this points out the Jeremy Clarkson is not irreplaceable and can be easily replaced. Already we have come up with ideal replacements including someone made of clay. I look forward to the next episode of Top Gear and the potential new dynamic as opposed to watching three mid life crises on my TV screen each week.

The Big Finish Catch Up: February 2015

The Big Finish catch up marathon reaches a major milestone this month, but more on that later. For those of you new to this section of the blog, I started getting the Big Finish Doctor Who releases when they started back in 1999, getting them as they were released up to mid 2002 and release No 33 Neverland. At that time I left Uni and do to being a bit busy with life and what not I only heard one or two releases over the next few years. I started getting back into them around 2008 and was 6 years behind at that point. Due to wondering off into the Lost Doctor range, nipping ahead and getting a few releases on offer I fell further behind. In order to catch up I'm listening to two releases a month (without seeing the cover or knowing anything about the story) and my mission to catch up continues;

I'm afraid I can't say anything nice about this one, it was an absolute chore to listen to. It veers from vague to awful, it contains some of the worst dialogue I've ever heard and is padded beyond belief. I was disappointed to see Robert Ross was the writer as his debut was a powerful story and a world a way from this. It was strange to hear Evelyn as I thought "Thicker than Water" was her exit story. The one good thing I'll take a way is I've got more of Maggie Stables to enjoy. Also of note was on looking at the CD case after listening I saw we were now in 2006 and this catch up is only 9 and a bit years behind.

Now this is more like it, right from the start I knew this was going to be good, a very moody start with a medical operation about to be conducted and the TARDIS arriving in some woods. Its got to the point now whenever I hear the 7th Doctors music on a Big Finish night I'm hoping for Ace and Hex to be the companions - I haven't heard a story featuring this TARDIS crew that I haven't fully enjoyed. This is brilliant Who, an isolated community with dark secrets, the 7th Doctor knowing more than he's saying and a whodunit plot that evolves into something else part way through the story.

Its a few weeks on from listening and there are so many scenes that have vividly stayed in my memory. I'm not having to jog the grey cells to remember anything and have to say this is the best Big Finish releases I've heard in the last few months, certainly up there with Other Lives and the Benny box set. 

 I'm not too sure weather the end of the story makes sense but willing to believe a second listen will clear up the few questions I have. I look forward to hearing Edward Youngs future work if he pops up again however I don't look forward to the next time I hear someone whistle "oranges and lemons" in the dark.

The DVD Archives: Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased)

Over the past few months in a kick of nostalgia I've been revisiting quite a few TV shows I've not seen in a while. One of these shows includes the 2000 remake of Randall and Hopkirk (Deceased) starring Vic Reeves and Bob Mortimor as the titular characters. 

I'm quite familiar with the original as I often had it on in the background on a Friday evening when rushing through my homework so I could be free of school for the weekend. I was a fan of Vic & Bob from "The Smell of Reeves & Mortimer" and "Shooting Stars" so looked forward to it with relish. Oddly enough bar the first episode I've not come back to this since it aired so bar the odd line or scene here and there it was all fairly new to me.

To bring you up to speed the series is set around a pair of private investigators Jeff Randall and Marty Hopkirk and their detective agency. Jeannie Hurst (an early role for Emilia Fox) is the fiance of Marty and introduced in the first episode. During the case of the first episode Marty is mysteriously killed and comes back to help Jeff solve the case and bring his killer to justice. However in order to save Jeff he stays behind as a ghost to long and has to remain on Earth as a ghost which only Jeff can see and hear whilst also being able to travel to Limbo to train alongside Wyvern his spirit mentor - ably played by Tom Baker.

The show is 13 episodes long spread over two series and theres a lot to enjoy. Most of the episodes are very busy with a lot (occasionally to much) packed into the story. There are quite a few affectionate nods to the original series and as a fun east egg Charlie Higson (of The Fast Show and later Bond novels) appears in every episode as a cameo as he is also on writing, producing and directing duties. Of note is the guest cast which includes; Charles Dance, David Tennant, Hugh Laurie, Pauline Quirke, Peter Bowles, Simon Pegg, Gareth Thomas, Eleanor Bron, plus all on screen members League of Extraordinary Gentlemen and almost all of The Fast Show. Theres a lot of Doctor Who connections with Mark Gatiss and Gareth Roberts on writing duties and a guest cast that includes four Doctor Who's and one Master.

Vic and Bob are very good as the two leads, there was a bit of fuss about weather they could play straight roles but there isn't much to worry about. Vic Reeves is lots of fun and plays Marty with a wonderful frenetic feeling. Also lots of fun are his scenes with Tom Baker which are brilliantly OTT and not for fans of under acting. Bob Mortimor plays a distinctly different Jeff Randall from the original series and after a few tricky moments in the first series is on top of his game with a firm grip of his role by the second.

All in all I found this revisit unexpectedly brilliant and have come away thinking its one of the most underrated shows of the last twenty years. Do yourself a favour and give this show a watch.

The 2015 Annual Liverpool in Crisis Wife Swapping Party

It was a cold late winter evening as the car containing Rox and Mrs Rox pulled into the drive way of Todcor Towers...

(Yes its either eleven months late or one month ealry)

The Big Finish Catch Up: January 2015

Hello ladies and gentle readers, excuse the lateness of this months addition to this section of the blog. For those of you new to this section I started buying the Big Finish Doctor Who releases when they originally started although over the years I've fallen behind by about ten years. In order to catch up I listen to two releases a month, however I have no knowledge of whats coming (most of the time), I don't see the cover, don't know who wrote it or which characters are in it. Without further ado here's this months first listen:

It was a nice surprise to hear Mark Strickson as Turlough, it has been ages since I last heard him along with Peter Davisons Fifth Doctor. He appears so infrequently its still a novelty when he does and he's in a wonderfully sour mood for this story The Russian setting is also rather a novelty and rather fun. As a story due to the nature of the villains (borrowed by the TV series) its quite a bit viscous with a bite Big Finish releases don't often have. The Fifth Doctors innocent charm is a good counter point to the rest of the story and is quite fun. All in all an enjoyable story perhaps raised by the darker tone, the writer isn't someone I'm familiar with and will look forward to hearing another story penned by him. 

I bought this in a recent sale and decided to insert it into my listening pile at random and it came up early! Having heard The Destiny of the Doctor range I wanted to hear more of Frazer Hines impersonation of Troughton. This is a story pitched for the TV series by Brian Hayles which never got made. Its more of an audio book format than the usual play and it stars Frazer Hines and Wendy Padbury who played the Second Doctor companions Jamie and Zoe with Caroline Faber as the titular character. Its essentially a rehash of The Celestial Toymaker with a time theme instead of toys. We have a good villain, perhaps a better villain than the Toymaker himself. Frazer is fantastic as Troughton and Jamie while Wendy is also worth the price of admission. As a story its easy to see why it wasn't taken up by the production team but its fun if your looking for an audio that recreates the Troughton era. Although if you have no interest in the era its not one I'd go out of my way to recommend, decent if not great.

Who will be the next QPR manager?

While watching the transfer deadline day coverage on Sky Sports News earlier in the week a reporter informed the viewers that Harry Redknapp would not be doing his traditional car window interview. At that moment I turned to the person next to me and said "he'll be gone within the week." However there was nobody else there so in order for this to become an anecdote worthy of starting a blog I rang a number at random then blurted "HARRY REDKNAPP WILL BE GONE WITHIN THE WEEK" and hung up.

Lo and behold Ladies and Gentle readers two days later Harry announces he's leaving due to knee surgery and I've got QPR owner Tony Fernandes on the phone begging me to put together a shortlist of candidates before the next match. Well Tony can rest at ease as I've sent him the following shortlist;

Harry Redknapps Dog

Just think of the advantages, he's learnt the trade from the master of wheeling and dealing in the football world as well as how to sit and play dead. As well as that he is knowledgeable in football finance as according to Harry he has set up a number of offshore accounts. The added bonus is from the above picture he can continue the tradition of car window interviews on transfer deadline day.

Del Trotter

Who else could take over from footballs wheeler dealer than the much loved wheeler dealer of TV. Remember Tony this time next year you could be a millionaire owner of a team playing Champions League Football he who dares - wins!

Ahhgee Productions

After taking the world of pod casting by storm in 2014 surely the next step is football management. Whip it in the box Andy, Goalkeeper Coach Grax and Michael Bell off of the Internet have what it takes to become the next management team of QPR. Think about it, Andy can review the toilets of all twenty premiership grounds, Michael can inspire the team with poetry or get angry and shout at them while Grax can refer any troubled players to the new QPR club councillor Texas the Psychic Horse (he knows what your Premiership Footballer is thinking).

Judge Rinder

Judge Robert Rinder, the no nonsense Criminal Barrister who has taken daytime TV by story. His no nonsense approach is just what QPR needs and he surely wont take any crap from the likes of Joey Barton.

Tim Sherwood

Yes Tims a bit of an idiot, yes he's had high profile falling outs with Harry Redknapp, Glenn Hoddle, Kenny Dalglish and the invisible duck that lives in his attic. Yes his Spurs side was boring, yes he only has six months first team management experience. However I've put a fiver on him and I honestly believe this negates all of the negative aspects of this potential appointment.

So there you go Tony Fernandes, theres your shortlist I truly hope you appointment the right man (or dog) and QPR go from strength to strength.

That Was Liverpools Month What Was: January 2015

01/01/15

The traditional New Years Day fixture would kick things off for us and 2015's fixture saw the visit of bottom side Leicester City. Two converted penalties (dubious) from Steven Gerrard saw us take a flattering 2-0 half time lead. The second half got off to an awful start which Leicester built on and got a a goal back in the 58th minute through a classy volley from David Nugent. Sadly while we were all catching our breaths from that shot Schlupp got another goal for Leicester and equalised. Second half substitutes Borini and Lambert were unable to get us another goal although 3rd substitute Markovic would miss a free header. All things considered the draw flattered us and we were missing firepower up front.

02/01/15

Sadly on the second day of the year news broke that Steven Gerrard would be leaving Liverpool at the end of the season.

Ladies and gentle readers, what I will say about this is there are three certainties in life - death, taxes and footballers growing old and losing their legs. This is not the time to remember Gerrard as he has been in the last few seasons but to remember him in his pomp, dragging us up when we were floored, those fantastic goals and performances that got us challenging for and winning trophies. The midfield partnerships he had with Didi Hamann and Xabi Alonso, the second one ranking amongst the greats IMO. Personally the memory that always comes top for me is the second half performance against Olympiacos in the 2005 Champions League. All the best Stevie and may you enjoy your retirement.


05/01/15

Monday evening saw us taking on Wimbledon AFC in the 3rd round of the FA Cup a replay of the 1988 final. It was a hard fought match with Wimbledon channelling the thugness of the crazy gang and managing to bully us off the ball. After taking the lead thanks to Steven Gerrard Wimbledon went on to equalise giving us a draw at half time. It was chances ahoy in the second half as Liverpool asserted their dominance with the solitary goal coming from a fantastic Steven Gerrard free kick. The captain gets the man of the match for me but the main benefit of the game was the newcomers such as Markovic, Can and Manquillo getting a lower league kicking away at Wimbledon which will do them wonders in the long term.

Adam Lallana was ruled out for a few weeks due to a calf injury.


06/01/15

It was reported today that Suso had agreed a 4 year deal with AC Milan, his contract expires in the summer. It is this bloggers belief that letting Suso get away is something that could come back to haunt us in the future.


10/01/15

A Saturday lunchtime kick off saw us take on Sunderland in a hard thought away match. Markovic would score an early goal and put on a man of the match display - this kid will go far.

Sadly the match itself was frustrating, Sunderland would go a man down early in the second half yet poor creativity blighted our chances of scoring a second as only 4 of 21 chances were on target. A tough (very hard thought) win and Sunderland were still in with a chance of getting something out of it when we should have been out of sight.


13/01/15

Oussama Assaidi who had spent most of his time with us on loan to Stoke left for UAE Arabian Gulf League side Al-Ahli Dubai. Speaking as someone who saw quite a few of his games for Heereveen I'm rather sad this move didn't work out and wish him well for the rest of his career.

Also today on the advice of his PR team Dejan Lovren after an inauspicious start to his Anfield career decided to let people into his off field life and displayed his hobby of collecting kinder egg figurines:

 I think you'll agree readers its a lot more interesting than golf...


17/01/15

A rare 3PM Saturday kick off saw us away at Aston Villa, I say Aston Villa but when they play us they usually turn into Aston Madrid. A dominating away performance saw both Borini and Lambert score giving us a 0-2 result. Man of the match for me was Jordan Henderson with a captains performance and setting up a goal. Of note this was the first league game two of our strikers had scored in for a dogs age.


20/01/15

Liverpool took on Chelsea in the first leg of the Capital One Cup semi final at Anfield. Going into the match I was expecting a war, what we got was Liverpool at their attacking best, a Chelsea team as their most boring, a referee at his most inept and one hell of a cup tie. On one of their few forays into the box Chelsea would get a goal but mostly it was Liverpool attack after attack with 11 men in red against a goal keeper having the match of his life and a blatantly crooked ref. Sterling would score a cracker, Lallana would have a brilliant shot saved, Countinho would rule Chelseas midfield and Costa would handle the ball while laying over it and not give away a penalty. One of the most free flowing attack against defence teams I've seen and a game where Liverpools false striker tactics and three attacking midfielders technique was at its best.


24/01/15

A tea time kick off saw us taking on Bolton at home in the FA Cup. It was a tail of a goal keeper on form, we had nine on target shots, 68% possession but the man of the match was to be Bolton keeper Bogdan. Of note was Emile Heskey returning to Anfield up front for Bolton at the ripe old age of 37, his battle with Sakho was a fun side show to a frustrating match.

27/01/15

Liverpool paid a visit to Plastic Bridge for the second leg of the Capital One Cup, pilgrims in an unholy land we have been but one thing this match showed is it takes an away stand of Liverpool fans to bring atmosphere to the bridge. It was another war and one for the ages, Skrtel Vs Costa Gerrard Vs Terry and Henderson Vs Fabregas were some of the highlights. There were nine yellow cards in this heated game, nine shots on target and end to end stuff. Sadly on entering extra time Ivanovic (one of the few players for Chelsea this blogger has any time for) slotted in from a corner. We tried our best and if not for a Jordan Henderson  header that want wide would have taken it to penalties. One of the adages of football was born out at the end of this two legged classic, sometimes the bad guys win...


31/01/15

The final day of the month saw us welcome Big Fat Sams West Ham to Anfield but in reality this game was about the return of one person:

Um... no not him...

No not Anfield Cat either, try again...

Are you trying to be funny?

That's right ladies and gentle reader it was the return of Daniel Sturridge

A hard fought rear end battle saw West Ham hold us to 0-0 at half time. The front threes dinky little passing paid off as Sterling scored on 51 minutes. Then a few minutes later Brendan did what we were all waiting for and brought on Daniel Sturridge who only went and scored in the 80th minute! Yes sometimes the script is written and we get that x-factor moment we all anticipated. Good performances all around saw Mignolet get a clean sheet, our defence give Carroll and Downing a right good thrashing and a good little cameo from Jordan Ibe for the final 10 minutes.

That was Liverpools Month What Was: January 2015!