A Confession

It can't have failed to escape your attention ladies and gentle readers that last week 'The Great British Bake Off' returned to our screens. Since last week flour has been bought from Tesco by the trolley load, twitter is full of cake and the country is full of a rather doughy smell. I feel compelled to get something off my chest dear readers;

I HATE CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I feel so relieved to get that off my chest as its been impossible to escape from cake and baking this week. As a main dish if it doesn't come with chips and can't be drowned in tomato sauce I wont touch it. My dessert of choice is ice cream or instant whip. Nothing against cake and all those who hold it dear, I just can't stand the stuff. I hope you enjoy Mary Berry and her hirsute sidekick tonight but I'll be sticking to my ice cream.

Ten things I wan't from Liverpool this season

Good morning ladies and gentle readers, as I type its currently half past midday and fifteen minutes to the start of the 2015/16 Premiership season. A time to put the past behind us and focus on the coming season and in that vein here's ten things I want to see from Liverpool football club this year;

1. A fit striker.

Last season we had Daniel Sturridge falling to bits, Lambert with no pace, Borini's ego preventing an exit and Mario Bolotelli - lord knows what was wrong with him. We resorted to three dinky midfielders upfront and it sometimes worked sometimes didn't. Thankfully this time we have a fit Christian Benteke, Danny Ings and Divock Origi to choose from with the treatment room brigade backing them up.

2. Scary and Angry Mignolet.

Last season due to poor form Simon Mignolet lost his place only to get it back through injury. But during his time out something happened - he lost his temper. When he came back he was commanding his defence blocking shots he'd normally let in and went on to have his best period with us to date. This Mignolet must stay, the old timid librarian can do one we need the Mignolet whose mad, bad and dangerous to know.

3. Plan B.

One thing I criticise about Brendan Rodgers tenure is lack of tactics, we seem to pick one tactic and throw ourselves into it even when it stops working. See Mario playing upfront last season when he blatantly wasn't fit, the three dinky midfielders up front which was inconsistent at best and rigid formations. To put it bluntly we need to be more fluid in our tactics.

4. Skrtel dropped.

Martin Skrtel has been an area of chaos and calamity in our defence for the best part of a decade. Manager after manager have failed to drop him, he causes cock up after cock up and is the last remaining undroppable. As far as I'm concerned he's cost us four champions league spots and a Premiership title. He constantly wonders out of position and exposes those around us, he can't trap a ball, can't read a game and the only positive thing I can say about him is he's a very good tackler. However he's not a premiership level defender, he should have been shipped out years ago so either get rid or bench him.

5. A midfield expressing itself.

Over the last few years our midfield  has spent most of its time covering for an ageing Gerrard, covering for Skrtels mishaps and trying to pick up the slack from the strikers (or in some case playing up front as strikers). Lets do this 'death by football' we hear so much about. Let out midfield dominate a game and let our midfielders be midfielders.

6. Goals.

Give us loads of goals and give us sexy goals, last season with our strikers falling to bits, being out of form and playing dinky midfielders up front it was all a struggle. Lets put last season behind us and get back to heavy scoring games.

7. A dominant ball winning midfielder.

I think something we're missing is a dominant ball willing midfielder, god bless him I like Lucas (the world loves a trier) but he isn't it. I think Emre Can could be it but if Rodgers wants to play him in defence we need someone else for the position.

8. Less crap from Brendan during press conferences.

Seriously this can be said about a lot of football managers but Brendan is not a public speaker. Instead of putting him in front of journalists like a sheep into the lions den. Put whoever is in charge of PR or marketing in there, theres just no need for him to be there - especially when he comes out with so much crap. Either start issuing press releases instead of having press conferences or put someone who can talk in them.

9. A defence that can defend.

I think it speaks for itself, over the last few years (and you can guess who I blame) our defence has been ruddy awful. I cheered when Glen Johnson buggered off but drop Skrtel and sort the rest of our defenders out.

10. A better crowd at Anfield.

By and large last year the atmosphere at Anfield was poor and personally I don't think the crowd got behind the team enough. For most of last season we didn't have our 12th man, having a sing song in the build up to kick off is all well and good but during 90 minutes get behind your team!

Married at First Sight

In case you missed it ladies and gentle readers a staple over the last few Thursday nights has been 'Married at first sight' a show based around an experiment of getting strangers to marry.

Needless to say things did not go according to plan, the selection process was controlled by scientists who from the look of them couldn't spot a couple with chemistry if they were sat at the next table. An example of the scientists fuckery is two people were chosen for their 'traditional views on marriage' and were surprised when both of them pulled out!

On last nights final episode things weren't going to well as Emma was being rather awkward around James. There were a few awkward moments on the honey moon and things looked to be progressively getting strained. Things were however disastrous with Katie and Jason, who didn't get off to a good start when he unpacked his belongings into the spare bedroom. He then asked Ch 4 to stop filming and decided not to turn up to a counselling session. Katie then spotted him on Tinder and proceeded (to the surprise of nobody) to give him the elbow.

The one success of this show turned out surprisingly to be Emma and James (it well and truly shocked me). Emma progressively throughout the show brought down her barriers and got more comfortable around James to the extent she let him give her a foot massage - still wearing socks though. Without doubt we were watching two people become a couple and three months after filming they are still together. This blogger wishes them all the luck in the world however a lesson learnt from this show is scientists should stick to curing disease and making the world a better place, leave relationships to the experts.

The Big Finish Catch Up: June 2015

For those of you new to this section of the blog, I started listening to the Big Finish Doctor Who releases when they started back in 1999, getting them as they were released up to mid 2002 and release No 33 Neverland. At that time I left Uni and due to being a bit busy with life and what not I only heard one or two releases over the next few years. I started getting back into them around 2008 and was 6 years behind at that point. Due to wondering off into the Lost Doctor range and a relaxed listening pace I fell further behind. In order to catch up I'm listening to two releases a month (or more when its a 60 min single disc release, plus without seeing the cover or knowing anything about the story) and my mission to catch up continues;

First up this month was a detour into the lost story range featuring the 5th Doctor, Tegan and Nyssa in Hexagora. The lost story range is a bit hit and miss for me and out of the 5th Doctor stories I've heard this is the weakest. It starts off quite pacey and made me think "blimey they're cramming the introduction of this story together quite quick there must be a lot to get through later on." Sadly it wasn't the case, the story wonders around in circles, telegraphs itself badly and somewhere in the middle there were endless info dump scenes that seemed to go forever. Plus in the "grand finale" scene I wasn't sure exactly what was going on. At moments this story does feel like it wants to try something different then it falls back into quite a traditional story which I found annoying. In short if you want a 5th Doctor Lost story get "The Elite" or "The Children of Seth."

First off you may notice that a few entries back I made a big thing about getting to 2006. I regularly buy stories way ahead on discount and sometime my mate who helps me with this puts some stories into the pile early to throw me off in case I'm cheating. This is an absolute gorgeous story and can't recommend it highly enough. Featuring a 6th Doctor moments after his last TV appearance and a more experienced 6th Doctor it shows how Colin Baker and Big Finish have grown the character over the last fifteen years. What absolute brilliant idea for the anniversary year. Colin Baker gives one of his best performances which as regular listeners will know is really saying something, Bonnie Langford is also very good and deserves praise. This story is at times amusing, emotional and takes you through the ringer being lots of fun and a solid engaging plot. This is a story that I can predict I will be coming back to a lot in the future, apart from the sheer fun theres enough in the plot to make me think I'll notice new things on a re-listen.

Back to 2006 and "Red" featuring Sylvester McCoys 7th Doctor and Bonnie Langfords Mel. This is a  story I heard a few years ago but couldn't remember it and in all honesty its one I'm destined to forget again. I like a good mystery however a lot of the central mystery (I wont spoil) is telegraphed and theres a few odd things in here that are basic audio mistakes that Big Finish should have spotted at the editing stage. In saying that its ok, Sylvester gets to do some bonkers acting ala the earlier release "Unregenerate" and actually holds it all together. The production lacks a certain flair and guile for a mystery although there are quite a lot of good moments including the "slow" sequence. In short a decent little story with quite a few good bits that make me give it 5/10 but I'm left with the opinion this should (and easily could) have been a lot better. 

Fantasy Festival Set List: Paul Weller

Good afternoon ladies and gentle readers, I hope I find you well on this fine summer day. Speaking of summer that also means we're in the midst of festival season which includes Glastonbury. I don't know if I've mentioned on the blog before but I'm a huge Paul Weller (in ALL of his incarnations) fan and was a tad disappointed with the set he played during Glastonbury which can be seen here;

White Sky
The Changing Man
From the Floorboards Up
I'm Where I Should Be
Long Time
Thats Entertainment
Above the Clouds
Saturns Pattern
Going My Way
Friday Street
Porcelain Gods
Broken Stones
You Do Something To Me
Start
Peacock Suit
Whirlpools End
Town Called Malice

Now personally I say if your playing a main stage at Glastonbury it has to be a "best of" set with all the hits. Theres to much of his solo stuff in that set and quite a lot that isn't well known to a casual audience - which is a killer when playing Glastonbury. So I've put together my ideal Paul Weller set list. With caveat that its mostly hits and stuff that goes down well live, I hope you enjoy;

Speak Like A Child
The Changing Man
Out of the Sinking
Thats Entertainment
A Solid Bond in Your Heart
My Ever Changing Moods
Long Hot Summer
Stanley Road
Wild Wood
You Do Something To Me
Your the Best Thing
Broken Stones
Start
This is the Modern World
Going Underground
Walls Come Tumbling Down
Shout to the Top
Town Called Malice

Why Three's Latest Advert Annoys The Living Crap Out of Me

Picture the scene ladies and gentle reader, there I was flicking through the channels one evening and during an advert break I hear the opening chimes of 'Alright' by East 17. Curiosity suitable piqued I watched the titular advert and after it finished threw my phone at the TV and yelled abuse at it for fifteen seconds. Here's the advert in question;

A Muppet walks through the streets depressed and has his umbrella torn to pieces by a dog whilst the opening chimes of 'Alright' play. Now walking through the rain a car splashes him in a puddle and he gets soaked by aforementioned rain. We then get a flashback to him leaving home where his father tells him 'make it right son.'

Whoa whoa whoa whoa!!!! Make what right? If he's wet walking about in the rain go into a cafe and have a cup of tea, go home, buy another umbrella DO NOT BUY A MOBILE PHONE! No doubt a sales man can give you a good text and minutes bundle but your still going to get wet!

He then raises his fist in a lane (don't worry its not THAT kind of an advert) and has the tempo speeds up declares 'ITS GONNA BE ALRIGHT!' 

A little girl then drops her ice cream and starts crying, the Muppet walks up and instead of buying her another ice cream pats her on the back and tells her 'its gonna be alright.'

A cheer leader falls off her friends shoulders and instead of administering first aid or calling for an ambulance he goes on singing!

Then we get a couple in a car perched over a gorge in danger of falling over. Not only does the Muppet not help, not call for help but continues singing ON THE FUCKING BONNET! NOT ONLY IS HE NOT HELPING, NOT MAKING IT 'ALRIGHT,' HE'S IN DANGER OF BLOODY KILLING SOMEONE!

The finale is the Muppet singing 'Alright' in a crowd of people singing and dancing along with him. No mention is made of the couple he killed or if he's purchased another umbrella.

In all seriousness whoever came up with this advert needs their marketing degree stuffed up their backside, get demoted back to telesales and never let near the advertising industry again!

YOURS BLOOMING LIVID INNOCUOUS BYSTANDER

The Big Finish Catch Up: May 2015

For those of you new to this section of the blog, I started listening to the Big Finish Doctor Who releases when they started back in 1999, getting them as they were released up to mid 2002 and release No 33 Neverland. At that time I left Uni and due to being a bit busy with life and what not I only heard one or two releases over the next few years. I started getting back into them around 2008 and was 6 years behind at that point. Due to wondering off into the Lost Doctor range and a relaxed listening pace I fell further behind. In order to catch up I'm listening to two releases a month (or more when its a 60 min single disc release, plus without seeing the cover or knowing anything about the story) and my mission to catch up continues;

We start off this month in the main range with The 8th Doctor, Charley and C'rizz. This is a fantastic story with a first episode rather reminiscent of "The Space Museum" and has a rather unique feeling to the production. Its very much a moody and what I'd refer to as a "plot" story, thankfully its one that doesn't dip off when answers are revealed and rewards the listener when we get to the end. On finishing I was pleased to see Steve Lyons was the writer as despite being one of my favourite authors I hadn't really enjoyed an audio as much as others until "Blood of the Daleks." I found this a more instant story, intriguing, multi layered and after a first listen I gladly give it 9/10. Of note it was nice to hear Tracey Childs (who also appeared in one of Lyons earlier plays) among the guest cast.

Also on listening a few things here and there raised my suspicions and on the reading the writers notes in the sleeve they were confirmed: this story is inspired by working in a (bank) call centre. Characters disappearing from the story are obviously workers released without warning, Vannet and Revnon virtually spend the whole play worried about idle time, Kestorian is the team leader whose powers only go so far and while ruling over entry level staff is powerless in the face of the managers, Zanith is the guy who nobody is sure exactly what he does and seems to have found a hole for himself without actually doing anything and The Figurehead is the Call Centre Manager. On top of that there are a few little nods like workers moving to a different floor or site and never seeing their colleagues again. All together its a wonderfully dark take on a seemingly every day practise which Doctor Who has a track record of doing very well.

Next up is the 6th Doctor and Mel in a release featuring two stories "The Wishing Beast" being a three part story followed by the one part "The Vanity Box." I'd actually heard this before having got it on discount about five or six years ago and decided not to include it in the catch up as a long time had gone by without me hearing it. Paul Magrs is the writer and it feels like Magrs by numbers, one of the memories from my first listen was working out who the writer was very early on. Sadly its not one of Magrs better stories, its lacking a bit of oomph and despite being a three instead of a four part story "The Wishing Beast" feels padded. "The Vanity Box" is by far the more fun story and a good little piece of fluff. I try very hard not to slip into fan producer but this is a release crying out to be fixed, both stories feel lightly sketched out and the earlier story definitely needs some bite added. I'm tempted to suggest make both stories two parts but I don't think it would improve "Vanity Box." Oh and Jean Marsh plays a very good mad sister but this story comes down to the format and it lets the release down. In short rather decent if unsatisfactory and needed another edit before it was recorded.